List of Retail Customers

Not too long ago, I was all sappy about my job. I posted that just as I was going on vacation. In honor of my going on my first real vacation in quite a long time, I composed this list of all the peopleĀ  I wouldn’t miss.

While a lot of this is specific to my shipping store, I think it’s broad enough to encompass most retail workers.

  1. People who hate me.
  2. People who think I’m evil.
  3. People who think I’m lying.
  4. People who think I can’t spell “shallow”.
  5. People who think I can’t spell “Smith”.
  6. People who think I have kids [KIDS LIKE MULTIPLE, I’M 21 FOR FORENSIC’S SAKE]
  7. People who are too old to function.
  8. People who don’t listen.
  9. People who can’t listen.
  10. People who get angry when they realize they weren’t listening.
  11. People who don’t follow simple instructions.
  12. People who think I make the prices.
  13. People who yell at me.
  14. People who tell me their life stories when I am trying to finish something.
  15. People who tell me their life stories when I have a line of six people behind them.
  16. People who are cheap.
  17. People who pay more for shipping than the item(s) they are shipping.
  18. People who think they can drive to their destination [California] for less than the price of shipping [$15].
  19. People who mumble.
  20. People who don’t speak any language known on this earth.
  21. People who make the effort to come into the store, but then don’t know what they want.
  22. People who call me.
  23. People who call me and expect to get priority over people who have come in.
  24. People who call me and don’t know the weight, destination, or measurements of something they want an estimate on.
  25. People who bring packages over 70 pounds and watch me while I try to maneuver it by myself.
  26. People who cancel their transactions after I’ve spent a good chunk of time working on them.
  27. People who can’t make copies.
  28. People who won’t learn to make copies.
  29. People who don’t care that all you need to do to learn to make copies is put them in the feeder and press the green button that says, “Start.”
  30. People who think I’m a kid who doesn’t care about my future and wants to work retail for the rest of my life.
  31. People who are surprised when I tell them that I am a full-time student at a pretty good college.
  32. People who are extra surprised to find that I can read both letters and numbers.
  33. People who want free things.
  34. People who expect free things.
  35. People who throw things when they don’t get what they want.
  36. People who throw things at me when they don’t get what they want.
  37. People who complain about paying 65 cents to mail something.
  38. People who complain about the government.
  39. People who complain about the president.
  40. People who get irritated when I don’t talk politics.
  41. People who try to sell me things.
  42. People who ask me if I’m the owner.
  43. People who think their six-figure corporate job entitles them the world.
  44. People who lie to me.
  45. People who tell other people how to lie and cheat their way into illegally shipping things.
  46. People who listen to the people that tell people to lie and cheat their way into illegally shipping things.
  47. People who get angry when I catch them attempting to lie and cheat their way into illegally shipping things.
  48. People who get angry when I refuse to be an accessory to a crime.
  49. People who tell me they’re going to Fedex because they think I’ll care.
  50. People who inform me that the Post Office is cheaper.
  51. People who expect me to counter-offer when they tell me the Post Office is cheaper.
  52. People who yell at me because the Post Office lost their package and they didn’t get a tracking number because the Post Office was cheaper.
  53. People who say, “I think it’s cheaper at the Post Office,” then leave, go to the Post Office, find out it’s cheaper, and then DRIVE BACK to my store just to walk in and tell me their package was cheaper at the Post Office.
  54. People who undercut my authority.
  55. People who think I’m a lawyer and can therefore comprehend and explain to them their legal documents.
  56. People who are creepy and tell stupid jokes.
  57. People who get angry that I don’t laugh at their stupid jokes.
  58. People who still expect that I have a sense of humor after spending years dealing with people like them.
  59. People who cut in line because they are “in a hurry.”
  60. People who want to do things that don’t matter when they are “in a hurry”.
  61. People who get outraged that their transaction will take approximately five minutes to complete.
  62. People who are on their cellphones.
  63. People who won’t get off their cellphones even when it’s their turn.
  64. People who expect me to wait on them while they’re on their cellphone, even if I have other people I can help.
  65. People who have finished their transactions but won’t leave because they haven’t finished their call.
  66. People who use my store as an office and stay for over an hour.
  67. People who wink at me in a conspiratorial manner–I don’t care who you are, that’s creepy.
  68. People who are misogynists.
  69. People who refer to me as “that little girl.”
  70. People who tell me, “You must be new”. [three year anniversary is in July]
  71. People who interrupt me with a question, even though they have just interrupted the answer to their question.
  72. People who won’t say anything to me other than, “Cheap!”
  73. People who continue to repeat the word, “Cheap!” even when I ask them questions.
  74. People who steal my good pens.
  75. People who steal my bad pens. [Why?]
  76. People who are having a bad day.
  77. People who park in the fire lane.
  78. People who are upset that they got caught parking in the fire lane.
  79. People who don’t control their kids.
  80. People who think that the giant bucket of mail I just got from the post office lady will be distributed within a minute of my getting it.
  81. People who walk into my store.